I am sitting here in tears, at Panera of all places.. having just reviewed your final 2 days in Addis.. I was simply planning to get the blog post up.
You Mamas.. you mamas out there whose hearts literally hurt when you see your child in pain... you're feelin' me now.
These days.. Ben has moments here and there of fear.. anxiety... and it comes out in swinging of fists and frustration that he is trying to communicate with me that I took something away.. or I'm too far away usually.
But what I am feeling in my soul at this moment.. is all of the smiles, the kisses both given and taken.. the hugs.. the sweet little voice that sings in his crib in the morning.. and the chubby little brown arms always reaching for me.. ALWAYS... always always always.
When he smiles, which is all the time, his little face just lights up and his eyes have this twinkle in them that you just MELT. It's immediate.
So when I look at where he was.. who he was back then.. my heart is restored that maybe all the long and sleepless nights and days that I have poured into the last 4 months are not in vain. His beautiful heart is being restored day by day by the God that formed him in his birth mothers womb. The God who will love him and keep him and has a plan for him I could not conceive.
I can, for the first time in months, feel in my heart that God loves what I did.. and what I do every minute of every day... and I can actually SEE that I was "Jesus with skin on" every step of the way. Ben's little soul is coming out to bless the world and heal one day at a time.. and God put me there to do that.
News flash Erin. You're not a failure. You don't suck. You do something worth it.
I am humbled. I am blessed beyond measure. I have made the world a safe place for a little person who very much loves his mama. Just ask him. Or watch him chase me down the hallway. All the day long :-)
Exhibit A: When he wouldn't look anyone in the eyes...
Exhibit B: (taken a few days ago)
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