Reflections

Oh my sweet child Ben.

I am sitting here in tears, at Panera of all places.. having just reviewed your final 2 days in Addis.. I was simply planning to get the blog post up.

You Mamas.. you mamas out there whose hearts literally hurt when you see your child in pain... you're feelin' me now.

These days.. Ben has moments here and there of fear.. anxiety... and it comes out in swinging of fists and frustration that he is trying to communicate with me that I took something away.. or I'm too far away usually.

But what I am feeling in my soul at this moment.. is all of the smiles, the kisses both given and taken.. the hugs.. the sweet little voice that sings in his crib in the morning.. and the chubby little brown arms always reaching for me.. ALWAYS... always always always.

When he smiles, which is all the time, his little face just lights up and his eyes have this twinkle in them that you just MELT. It's immediate.

So when I look at where he was.. who he was back then.. my heart is restored that maybe all the long and sleepless nights and days that I have poured into the last 4 months are not in vain. His beautiful heart is being restored day by day by the God that formed him in his birth mothers womb. The God who will love him and keep him and has a plan for him I could not conceive.

I can, for the first time in months, feel in my heart that God loves what I did.. and what I do every minute of every day... and I can actually SEE that I was "Jesus with skin on" every step of the way. Ben's little soul is coming out to bless the world and heal one day at a time.. and God put me there to do that.

News flash Erin. You're not a failure. You don't suck. You do something worth it.

I am humbled. I am blessed beyond measure. I have made the world a safe place for a little person who very much loves his mama. Just ask him. Or watch him chase me down the hallway. All the day long :-)

Exhibit A: When he wouldn't look anyone in the eyes...


Exhibit B: (taken a few days ago)

Ben Coming Home from Ethiopia- Post 6 Embassy and Coming Home

May 31st, 2011- Embassy day!!

Sorry.. but the entries going forward weren’t written in real time. Turns out taking custody of a traumatized child doesn’t quite leave time for “blogging”….

(okay real time for this moment.. what is HILARIOUS.. is that I wrote the statement above like 4 MONTHS AGO.. when I was just sure that I would have this up like 2 days later. 4 MONTHS AGO.. pre-"traumatized Ben" me is just so cute.. and clueless)

Anyway, from what I recall:

We were able to get up in a timely fashion, and thanks to my Mom the labor coach, were able to get presentable enough to load back into the van with the other families and head for the American embassy. The Embassy was… well… very American. Shiny and concrete and power toilets and a big 8x10 photo spread of Obama and Ms. Clinton. We passed through security with the regular screening… actually wasn’t quite as crazy as Colombia’s. Once sent into the crowded room, we were given a number. They don’t go in order and you never know when it will be your turn. I believe I was 2nd or 3rd in our group? I was a little nervous about this because I was armed with a folder of plastic sleeved documents (including original Powers of Attorney from Ted saying I could adopt him a kid in Ethiopia).

My interrogation was more than Colombia but not bad. I’m kind of a stickler for adoption related timelines and details so little escapes me. The most involved explanation my worker wanted was why I had traveled for court in December 2010 and why I was just then getting there. Oh, Mr. Officer, I’d like to tell you a little story called “Erin’s Adoption Drama” the details of which I am happy to explain to YOU. Ha. It wasn’t really that bad. Ben was in the Ergo and was getting tired, so he made it decently easy. We were told that his adoption was considered legal, binding, and FINAL by the United States government and that Ben would be considered a citizen upon entering the country. Sounds good to me! They never asked for any of my fancy documents I was all excited to impress them with!



We traveled home, we did nap time, we tried to get Ben to eat a bit more and I believe had some success with a vegetable soup thing that the guest house made. Mom went out with one of the other father’s that afternoon for a little additional shopping. Tuesday night, Mom and I celebrated with some African wine that was quite fantastic.



Real time again for a moment.. look at his FACE.. he was so scared.. I'm so glad I don't see that face anymore. Breaks my HEART to realize it now looking back.










June 1, 2011

Most of this day was spent hanging out with the other babies in the common area. It was our last full day in Addis and one of the only days where we could just enjoy our children. We did!! I went for one final shopping trip with a couple of the other Dad’s for my last time in Addis. It finally became more clear that I wasn’t going to be back in a few months. This was sad. This was Ben’s last day in the country of his birth, at least until he was older. That was sad. Pretty much everything about what I was about to do to this child was making me sad.

June 2, 2011
Here we are... Visa packet in hand.. and the rest is history.




This is what a much loved immigration packet looks like. Don't you dare open the envelope. The world might explode if you do.



This is what an "lap infant" can look like on a 16 hour flight if you're not careful... He is bigger now too. Oops.



All cleaned up and teeth brushed and clothes changed.. in Chicago.



Now back to real life for a moment.. here.. in October... 4 months since this picture was taken. THAT moment.. coming off the plane into KCI with this sweet child of God.. who was born in my heart over the course of a year and a half.. who spent his first days of his life under the saddest of conditions.. who spent every other day of his first year of life.. a little over 365 days in 3 different orphanages.. this picture says it all. You are MINE. You are loved. You are safe.

THIS makes me weep.

Because I'm not the only Ethiopian mama out there passionate about the famine. Please take a look!

Hi friends,



This is Shonda from God Will Add.  Erin has kindly let me take over her blog to tell you about an awesome Baby Shower like none other.  A couple of my friends have teamed up and we're trying to raise funds for an organization called FOVC.  They help provide aid and hope to the immediate areas where our kiddos are from, an area that has been hit hard by this horrible famine.



Shameless plug:  Will you hop on over to my shower?  I promise I won't make you smell mystery diapers and  no I won't let you wrap toilet paper around my abdomen.



For $13 FOVC can feed one starving child for one month.  So far, this shower has raised $710.  If you're amazing at math like myself, you know that 54 kids who didn't have food today, will have food tomorrow and for the next month because of the generosity of a select few.  Wow!  Can we make it 100 kids?  Will you please help me spread the word? 

Why? 

Of all the great charities out there, why have I chose to rally behind FOVC?  A few simple reasons:



1) There are a lot of other great charities that are working to fight this famine, and I (despite my cynicism of big organizations) have supported them.  But FOVC is the only NGO working directly in the areas my boys are from, and where their first families still live.  Even if I liked nothing else about FOVC, this one simple fact would make me want to support them.  Thankfully, there are lots of other things I like about them:



2) They are a very small grassroots organization and very conservative with their money.  All their workers are volunteers, and they do all their traveling on their own dime, which means all the money we give goes directly to feeding the kids and helping their community fight poverty with long-term goals in mind.



3) I have a close friend who has done aid work with them in Ethiopia (and is on her way back in a few weeks), knows many personal details about how they operate and spend their money.  She's a Dave Ramsey fiscal conservative like myself, and she fully endorses them.  They have an independent bookkeeper who verifies that over 96% of the funds go directly to Ethiopia.



4) Directly from the president of FOVC:  "We have an amazing team of volunteers! Our board members and officers (if I do say so myself) are doing outstanding work! We spend a lot of time and effort educating ourselves on best practices of economic development (it's what my husband does!) and strive to implement every program using best practices. This means we empower, not enable. Every effort we undertake is aimed at offering long-term sustainability, success...and HOPE



Have I convinced you they're great?



Click here and support them:



And then (this part is optional), click here and tell MB how excited you are about his arrival into our family.







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Ben Coming home from Ethiopia- Post 5- Awassa and preparing for baby

May 29th, 2011

After leaving Shinshicho village we drove a few more hours to a town called Awassa (which is spelled all sorts of ways) and were able to stay at an extremely nice hotel there, at least comparison to the rest of the country. The bathroom was fantastic. Mom and I enjoyed a little pasta dinner in their restaurant, and then went up to our room where I spent some time writing and just relaxing and taking in the event of the day.









We also had the experience of enjoying Oprah’s farewell episode via Al Jazeera-English channel on the TV. We slept great that night and it was much needed.

The next day we enjoyed a wonderful breakfast for a whopping 13 birr- which comes out to be about $1.00 USD and climbed back in the van for a 3 hour trip back to Addis.
















We arrived back at the guest house at about 12p. That afternoon we were able to get to know more of the families that were arriving for embassy that did not have to go on the Durame trip as they had already been there. On Friday night we and the Robinsons enjoyed a traditional Ethiopian restaurant called Yode Abysinnia that Ted and I had also gone to back in December. We had a fantastic time getting to know them better. They are from Clever, Missouri which is very close to Springfield and only a few hours away from us. It was a wonderful time spending a few hours learning about their journey to becoming parents and their experience over the last year.







We got back to the guest house around 8p and it occurred to us that perhaps we should prepare for this baby?! Perhaps we should set out the stuff, repack the bag for the next morning, and figure out how to put on the Ergo (which is my new carrier for large little people). Although we went to bed in a timely fashion, I was awake at 3am and unable to get back to rest no matter what I did. I was just so anxious for all that was about to happen!

Ben Coming home from Ethiopia- Post 4- Durame trip

The trip to Durame

So the plan was to be up at 4:45am and be packed and ready for breakfast at 5:30am and be in the van at 6am.

Whoever planned that plan has obviously not given my mother prescription sleep medication. I say this lovingly because she has already made fun of herself for it many times. One alarm was set but never turned on, and the other somehow wandered into the bathroom late at night and thus was not heard by the narc’d out women wearing earplugs in the bedroom.

I woke up at about 1:30am and couldn’t get back to sleep but made a mental deal with myself that I had to lay there until 4am before I was allowed to get up. This is classic Ethiopian sleep drama for me just like last time. The deal I made with myself must have worked because I think I finally relaxed back to sleep again around 4am. I woke up at random at 5:40am and realized no alarms had gone off. Mom and I sprinted and made it downstairs around 6am and our driver was gracious enough to let us eat quick and take our malaria meds.

We were on the road and making our way out of town not long after 6am. We traveled with Muluneh who is one of the Holt staff here and one of the Holt drivers. Muluneh also brought some of his family. The pictures and video we attempted to take of the countryside just doesn’t do it justice. It’s beautiful, but also breaks your heart at the same time. We saw women carrying jugs and children herding donkeys for hours just to get decent water to take back to the huts along the road. We saw farmers working crops by hand with what most would call “primitive” tools, however resourceful. We shared the road with big trucks and wagons pulled by donkeys. We have a fair amount of video, but even that doesn’t really describe being there. The further we drove, the more we moved into the mountains of the lowlands which was much more lush and green. Navigating the mountain roads was a bit tricky.







The Shinshicho clinic that was built by Holt and provides basic health care to the area.



Durame is a region and Shinshicho is a village within the region and where Ben was born. Although our Holt worker speaks English, it is still limited once in awhile so while I was being taken to where he was found I didn’t really grasp what was going on. Usually families travel to Durame to meet with the birth parents which I knew would not be the situation for our case. I was just hoping to take some pictures of something. As we drove through Shinshicho, we bounced through muddy streets after the rain that had come through and people smiled and waived to us. We pulled up outside a school which I was told was a private secondary school. 4 men in suits came out to shake my hand but I didn’t really know why. We pulled up to pick up the social worker for the town, an older lady in African dress who was probably about 5 ft tall. We walked with her and a crowd of children forming down a dirt road. The social worker knocked on a residential home of a lady that was one of the witnesses for Ben’s case. At that point it clicked and I put it together… near the school.. person who knows something. I was about to see where Ben started his journey to me.




Muluneh and some of his paparazzi helpers



Shinshicho village social worker and two of the women who testified for his case












And for comic relief for such a heavy heavy topic, here is some sweet flushing of a really nasty toilet!




I will leave out the rest of the details for the sake of privacy, but it was such a humbling experience. I remember looking at Lucas’ little face as he was being handed to me at FANA in 2008 and just being floored by God’s grace to me. Yesterday I stared at this spot in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere Ethiopia where a tiny baby boy started his journey to ME.

I must note, that God does not love me or Ben or any child more or less than he loves the children that are left to wander the streets of Ethiopia or any other country. It is just a mystery that we have to let go and let faith take over. I don’t like it, and I don’t blame you if you don’t either. However, on this day, I need to give thanks for this one little boy that God allowed to be spared of that life. It just boggles my mind how something was happening 8,000 miles away from me in May of 2010 and that the story is coming to a close this week as Ben officially joins our family not just legally but physically.

I have been blessed with many “out of the box” experiences in my life, the majority of which I never planned. Each time, I get the sense that God is trying to teach me that I should quit limiting the options of his plans. I have two children from 2 continents for goodness sake… 2 continents I didn’t even visit until the last 8 years or so of my life. It inspires and yet weirds me out what He might have planned for my family in the future. There are brief moments, moments that have lessened with the passage of time, where I still don’t jump up and down with excitement over all aspects of being an adoptive parent- like baby showers for pregnant women etc. There are some pieces of “normal” woman life that just won’t be my story… but I suppose I have learned that perhaps the “normal” motherly experience must not be my road. Perhaps what I have learned in the past 1.5 years of this journey that I should have known all along is that God is obviously still good. He keeps His promises even if they don’t look like we think they will… and here I sit less than 24 hours from taking custody of a little boy who started his path to me 367 days ago… and God is still GOOD.

Ben Coming home from Ethiopia- Post 3

Here we are, safe and sound and finally in Washington on May 26th, 2011. After the previous days events, just being where the weather was happy and the flights were on time was the best news in the world.

We could look worse after 3 hours of sleep.. here we are leaving the hotel in Washington..




Yay!!!






To the casual observer, one would say "Who cares that that sign says that the flight to Addis Ababa is on time?" However, to a woman who spent the majority of the previous day with real fear that our travel plans would go to crap, this was exciting stuff.



The big plane and first day in Addis

We did a much better job of arranging our flight schedule this time rather than last time. After having to make the connection in Frankfurt, Germany between 2 long flights, we chose to go on one mother long flight so that we couldn’t get in late and get stuck missing a flight someplace in Europe.

This turned out to be a good call as we and our luggage made it on time to Addis, once we cleared the tornados of Kansas City of course.

The bad news? The flight was long. Of course it was. It was 13 hours. The good news? Most of it was during regular day light time when our bodies were used to being awake. Other than having minimal sleep in Washington due to our late arrival from Kansas city, we were otherwise happy ladies watching movies and reading books. Boring at times, but could have been MUCH worse. About 7 hours in, at about 7pm body clock time, we decided we should drug ourselves and try to sleep, because we were planning to machine our way through all of Friday in Addis without napping so we could reset our body clocks. This master plan sort of worked? Turns out mom and I both suck at sleeping sitting up. We both slept maybe 1.5 hours or so? By 11pm body clock time, the sun was coming up over Africa and the coffee and breakfast were being served. By 12:30am body clock time, we were beginning our exciting decent into Addis and the day was starting over again, as it was 8:00am Friday morning in Addis.

Luckily we were so doped up on 1.5 years of pent up adrenaline that nobody cared. We climbed down the steps to the ground and were taken by bus to the airport. We waited in line quite awhile for Mom’s visa but had no problem getting it. I was able to exchange our “drug dealer” esq about of money easily while she was in line. We passed customs with flying colors and spotted our luggage moving by rather quickly. We then entered the “line”- and by “line” I mean this big blob of people all pointing different directions which the airport ladies assured us was “the line” but really looked much more like random spaghetti from above… so we were like.. whateve we’ll be flexible. Eventually our luggage got scanned and we walked out into the sea of people where our Holt driver was waiting with sign in hand. All loaded in the van, we bounced through Addis for a few minutes, past the fantastic Italian restaurant we enjoyed last time, took a right again at the sign for the Cuban embassy (ironic) and drove a few blocks to the door of the Jemimah Guest house.

After exchanging the usual pleasantries, we were sent up to room 34 which neighbors the room Ted and I had used when here in December. It’s actually bigger with more windows. We even have a small patio out the side where you can see the mountains, the poverty, and watch some cows should you choose to.






By this time it was about lunch. We opted to stay at the guest house and enjoyed some traditional Ethiopian food. I haven’t done much Ethiopian food lately because I was a wee bit depressed, so now we can be excited about it again! There were 2 other Holt families around for court, so we decided to tag along with them to visit AHOPE, the Leprosy hospital, and also the coffee place.







For those of you that have read “There Is No Me Without You” by Melissa Green (and if you are close to my family, I very much wish you would because the culture, history, and general info about how adoption started in Ethiopia is VERY personal to me….) you would recall that AHOPE was referenced often. This is where the HIV positive babes and children go when there is no one else. This is the forgotten OF the forgotten. It doesn’t get any lower on the planet earth than being a child with HIV in one of the poorest countries in Africa. We were so blessed to be given a visit; to sit and do puzzles. The little gal that chose me as her partner was rather good at it too. HIV is still very taboo here as the education of how it is transmitted is not known by all people… therefore if you have the forbidden disease you are an outcast. Of course, the baby room did me in. There was a little baby there that had come in HIV+ and likely born from an HIV+ mother and was on deaths door. After a few months there he was improving and was getting the much needed triple cocktail of HIV drugs needed for children. Still, it is heart breaking. These are the kinds of things that take your view of the world and rip it in half… thus the starving HIV children of Africa are the babies holding your pant leg. I dare you to not change.

After a little sniveling and mental notes for advocacy we reluctantly climbed back into the van bound for the Leprosy hospital. I had been there on our last trip so this was not as difficult this time. We walked by the ladies visiting who were missing different parts of their original healthy bodies and proceeded to the gift shop to purchase some of the items made by the patients. After we dumped some birr for more Ethiopian wares, we drove again to one of the main coffee shops. Mom and I opted to wait this one out while the court folks picked up some last minute stuff.

Our windows were soon full of women with babies asking for food or birr. Its just something you don’t forget.

Once we returned, we went to dinner at Avanti with one of the couples who had passed court and was flying out that night and also with our friends the Robinsons who will be joining us on Tuesday for embassy and also picking up their baby boy. Avanti is SO fancy and so wonderful.. it’s kind of a must see when you are at the guest house. I highly recommend the gnocchi and their wine selection is fantastic.

After being fully stuffed with fantastic pasta of awesomeness, we returned back to the guest house to dope ourselves up in attempt to sleep. This was easy, as we had pretty much been awake for 2 days. I took 1 dramamine and was mouth open drooling before Mom came back from her shower. That’s about all I remember 

Ben Coming home from Ethiopia- Post 2

Leaving Kansas City- harder than you would think!!

First off, we left on May 25th, Ben’s first Birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN!!

Well, women don’t forget labor. I didn’t go through labor with Ben, but his first Birthday tested my sanity. It started out well though…

So I was awake early. I had the weather channel on around 6am and could see there was weather moving through causing delays. I hoped that it would be moved through later as I did not need to be in Chicago until about 3p that afternoon. As we packed and organized and rapped things up, I continued to check my flight status and all was still showing on time.

WELL

At 10:30am I got an email that my flight had been cancelled. I immediately got on the phone with Erle (our trusted travel agent for most Holt traveling families and who I used before). Erle worked his Erle magic and got me on an alternate route that would take me through Memphis later in the afternoon and get me to Washington late that night.

BUT… then tornado Armageddon just HAD to start in Kansas City. My friend Paula arrived early to take us to the airport, but we spent the next 2 hours sitting there a little stunned as a tornado touched down south of downtown Kansas City and slowly worked its way north towards the children’s hospital where my husband was running the ER… so if you can picture it.. in that moment I’m sitting there going “My husband is in danger and I can’t get to my son”. After the tornadoes had moved a bit and we were sick of listening to the tornado alarms we got in the car anyway to head for the airport.

Look how brave we look.




Once at the airport, I was instructed to go to the United ticket counter and have them simply transfer my tickets that were already booked with Delta which was the only option available at the time. After waiting in like, United said “Okay you’re all set” so we re-loaded the car and drove to the other terminal. We waited in line again.. and then stood there for 20 minutes while Delta tried to find me. Delta says I don’t exist. I get back on the phone with Erle who says that my stuff wasn’t transferred properly. At this point, time is ticking away due to the tornadoes and we had already sent away our ride.

We are back to waiting for the transit bus for all of our luggage to ride BACK to United to stand in the line… this is where things started to unravel. The line was going nowhere and I was running out to catch back up flight. While waiting for United, I got on the phone with United. United on the phone said (very nicely by the way so they get half a point for that) I paraphrase “Very sorry… blah blah blah.. in this situation.. blah blah blah.. it needs to be done differently… blah blah blah.. when you get to the front of the line tell them to simply print your ticket. I can see it in my system. You can use that to check luggage back at Delta.” (which I have to catch a bus back to get to). It was at this time when half of the people processing “stepped away” from the United line and the first class lady wouldn’t take anybody that wasn’t first class. That left 1 GUY working, who had been working with the same family for over half an hour and there were still people in front of us. When first class lady continued to take first class, we and others in front of us were like “can’t you just take a couple to move the line?” and at that point we got yelled at very rudely by this woman. I was going to miss my 2nd flight plan and time was running out to get me to Washington. At that point, I did… I finally broke down and cried. For what it’s worth, Mom was pretty impressed I made it that long given the reason we were traveling. It was at this point that I got BACK on the phone with my travel agency and talked to one of Erle’s peers to see if there were any other options. ANY. OPTIONS. Not much I wouldn’t do at this point and cost is not an issue. They were able to find me a late direct flight from KC to Dulles that was on United which would make them much more likely to work with me with space on it.

It was at that point that the red sea of United airlines customer service finally parted and we made it up to the gate. I presented my case, and the guy had me on the direct flight about 2 minutes later (as I was already missing my 2nd flight at that point anyway). We gladly handed him luggage.

There were two glasses of wine promptly downed at that point and I ain’t ashamed of it.

The first flight was supposed to leave close to 6pm. We got checked in.. we waited. Delayed an hour. Okay… we can work with that. I just need to get to Washington by 10:30am the next day so “delay” is fine. Then it became a 2 hour delay… whateves… then it became a 3 hour delay… whatever. Just DON’T CANCEL THE FLIGHT. Finally, after attempting to get out of KC for 12 hours, we finally caught our break at 10pm at night and were on the plane. The rest was travel in the way it was supposed to be. Luggage obtained, shuttle taken to Best Western where we napped for 3 hours and got back up to head back to the airport 