So for those of you that casually read our blog.. or aren't super interested in the feelings of my heart, I apologize. This will be long. It will be mushy. I am a mess, and I have learned over the past few weeks to embrace that rather than fight it.
I see from my log in that I have not written since just after we returned from Ethiopia. In December I threw myself into Christmas decorating and preparation and attempted to enjoy the holiday. The holiday is, after all, a time to look around at this amazing family God has given me and the blessings we have received this year which have been many. I tried NOT to focus too much on the little one that was not here, as thinking about that would only send me to an emotional place that I could not control.
It truly was a wonderful Christmas and I will remember Lucas' little face for a long time when he realized what Christmas morning had in store for him. After all that joy, was the realization that Christmas was over, and I knew nothing of my other son and when he would be coming home. The orphanage license drama of early December and Ethiopia Christmas closings had a ripple effect that pushed the families in front of us back, thus pushing us back further. That, and many families were blessed with court dates near ours, most of them just one precious day before even though their referrals were technically later. Life and adoption process are not always fair, and I can not complain because I have one of the youngest baby boys in process over there and my wait has not been nearly as difficult as other people I know in from other countries and agencies. So here we are.
I left for IA and MN for a week and a half to give Lucas one last visit with Grandparents before he had to start sharing the spotlight. I also needed some people around me that I could visit with and be distracted by. I also needed a reason to do my hair and wear clothing appropriate for being in public.. rather than just tying the hair up and putting on a tshirt and wandering around the house which was what I truthfully felt like doing.
I got home at the end of last week. Ted has been gone a lot. I have been alone a lot... and as much as Lucas is the little star of my life, he is not much for helping Mommy process her feelings and I can't whine at him all day without making him wonder what my problem is.. nor would that really be appropriate :-)
So I'm going to share with you a few big and little things I have learned from God during this. I think I learned a big lesson.
When I was waiting for Lucas. I was a MESS. A total destroyed mess. I was afraid. I was angry. I hated my job like you wouldn't believe. My husband was gone even more then than he was right now. I sat there every night trying to get away from my feelings and grieve in any way I could. I shopped. I drank too much. I whined at people that I shouldn't have. I hated pregnant people. I was not at all the vision of a Christian woman that I should have been.
This time around, I am a different person who has learned a few things. I am a stay at home mom to the little boy I waited for before. I am in the Word. I am praying. I am looking to God for the strength and the peace rather than other sources that will not satisfy... so WHY dear friends and family, do I feel so HORRIBLE??!!! In my prayer time, I asked my God this very same question. "I love you. I believe in you. I know you have my son and are protecting him. You have been so gracious to me and have given us so many provisions and gifts during this process. WHY. DO. I. FEEL. SO. HORRIBLE??!! You said you would never forsake me but I feel so forsaken. Why does this have to hurt so bad?"
Prepare for yourself for this loving response I received in the silence over time:
"Because daughter, it's supposed to hurt. How else will you know my heart for my least of these? How else will you truly appreciate the gift? You have to walk through this and not escape from it."
Ah. You see folks, I have learned that there is a huge difference between a grumbling and angry heart, and a grieving heart. I hope I can remember this the next time someone I know is walking through a time of grief or transition or longing. I was bound and determined to do nothing but be the vision of patience and smiles... and that would have been just another big fake bandaid on the real trials of my heart.
So know this my sweet boy, my lack of blogging and writing was not because I haven't thought about your sweet little face every day... it was because I was trying so heart not to be truthful to myself and others about just how much my heart hurts for you. Reminding myself that this will all be over someday and you will be here "soon" is not enough. That doesn't make my chest stop hurting right now, this second.
So, I give myself permission to cry every day. I give myself permission to be awake at night staring out the window. I give myself permission to go off the food budget so that I can cook difficult recipes to occupy my brain and kill time so that I can freeze them... rather than other forms of retail therapy that are more expensive... and I give myself permission to redo your part of the dresser or move your crib for the 4th time if it makes me feel like I'm taking care of you. I miss you so much... I worry about you constantly.. and I long for when we will be together soon. I love you more than words.
Love,
Your emotional mess of a Mom
P.S. When you read this someday, ask your Dad how much fun it was to live with me during this time... you'll get some good stories.
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