The blog post I haven't written....

So... last you knew we cleared embassy. Since then the flurry of preparation for Ben's arrival happened, the epic journey to get Ben happened, and the having of Ben here at home has been happened. It's been happening now for over 2 weeks :-)

Yes, all the happenings of the trip are safely typed, at least most of them, in a word document I updated while we were there. Lots of pictures have happened... lots of Facebook status updates have happened.. I will get all that put up on here moving forward in life. I think.

Even knowing where to begin is hard. Do we talk about all the great stuff? Do I unload the extreme challenges? Do I even attempt to explain the fact that I am SITTING here able to accomplish ANYTHING at all is a small miracle? The fact that I even want to spend this blissful moment doing THIS and anything more than laying in the floor stretching my back is a miracle.

So, I have learned from my sweet saintly adoptive girlfriends and from my own experience that knowing to whom and how much you should share is tricky. People are full of advice... and I'm REALLY tired so being gracious 100% of the time is more challenging than I would like to admit. Unless you have adopted a terrified little person....... well lets just say I understand that advice is well meaning, but a lecture on why my 3 year old should be potty trained right now isn't timely? Or why I should just remember what he has been through... as if I didn't have a clue :-)

I will trust that anybody reading this blog must love me, and must love my family. I'm not really a big enough deal to attract total strangers.

So we'll out with the biggest point first: you think you can prepare, but you CAN'T. You just can't prepare for what trauma and loss is going to look like to a little person who has spent 95% of their lifespan away from you. And this isn't just some little person. This is a little person that I LOVE and prayed for and worried about daily for a long time. And I'M the one who took him away from his life. Although growing up in Care Center #2 in Ethiopia is his only alternative life, it still doesn't mean I don't feel like a giant jerk for ripping him away from where he seemed to be happy. Or at least understood.

I don't have biological children, but I DO have another adoptive child who I was able to parent at Ben's current age of 12 months... BUT the difference being that Lucas had been home long enough to understand English and to know the routine and trust that the routine and consistency and Mommy were always going to be there. I didn't have to toddler train and console simultaneously. Furthermore, even if I had had to do that, Lucas was my one and only. If he needed to be held? Fine. If he needed to be up at random times? Sure. I could sleep when he slept. But THIS... this is hard because I need to maintain order and consistency for a child who is thoroughly Sibley-fied and is still learning about life at the age of 3, but I need to be 100% available at all moments to console a terrified little person. A BIG terrified little person. A big terrified person can really kill your back, break some eardrums, give you a bloody nose, give themselves a bloody nose,and climb you with their fingernails because they are strong enough to do it. The 3 year old wonders why the terrified little person isn't getting a time out, because that is only fair.

Yes, I just listed some sad things... but what I want you to understand is that I COMPLETELY understand why he is reacting this way. Why shouldn't he? He has lost everything. EVERYTHING. Everyone and every thing that was ever familiar or made sense... and the thing that makes the most sense to him in his new environment is ME and he trusts me most to tell me so. The first few days in Ethiopia and when we first got home he was in shock. Smiles happened now and then... but he mostly shut his eyes to block out the overwhelming shock of it all. Now that we have been home two weeks... it makes sense that he has to grieve that just maybe he isn't going "home" today. Maybe his nanny who knows him much better than me isn't going to show up today and take him back to where the world makes sense.

Probably the most surprising reality that would surprise anyone who has seem him publically is that being home is the scary place. Home is where there is only one person to meet his needs with no back up plan. Home is where he could possibly be alone, or 5 feet away from that one person for 2 seconds thus igniting extreme panic. At least in public, his favorite person could walk away some some lady somewhere would surely come meet his needs... but in this house he looks around and it seems like he is WAY too close to being alone for his liking. He has never been in a scenario with less than 8 kids or so sleeping in a room and less than a few nannies at any given time for his entire life.

At church, or a family party, or when family is visiting, he will get down on the floor and play after assessing the situation. He would still very much rather be with Mom, but he will take this compromise... but at home? Not even being on the floor holding my pant leg is good enough. What if he lets go and I walk away and he is alone? When he has let me go for a moment and I keep talking as I move about you see this scream of panic and frantic walking/power crawl to get to where I am as soon as possible.

Understandable? Yes. Exhausting? More than you would think.

The Ergo carrier has saved me. It still hurts after awhile, but it puts most of the wait on my hips. I can put him on my back and still have the use of my arms and can do some housework and it works great at the store. It helps me "do" some life.. but it also means hauling 30lbs at all times which is more than 25% of my actual self.

We have made only slight peace with the high chair.. cause food happens there.. just don't think of moving more than 12 inches away from him while he is in it.

We hate the car seat. We grab hair and clothing and anything to keep from being put IN the car seat. Once driving it becomes almost okay, because he can at least see me and I can't get out of it while its moving. Once parked, I might be able to get out, thus it is not acceptable.

Strollers= dislike

I have lost 5lbs and the Ergo pushes on my pants anyway. We have had 2 incidents of de-pantsing at almost very bad times.

So how was I able to sit here and type? After a few days of adjusting to Lucas' new freakishly early wake up time and staying up later pattern and trying unsuccessfully to let Ben sleep when he seems tired... we finally tried keeping Ben up a little later than we should until 11am, feeding him and laying him down, and then waiting a bit to put Lucas down thus giving some blissful overlap. Once Ben gives up the fight to keep me in the room and finally rests he is out cold which is SOOOOOO helpful. Lucas knows the nap time expectations and welcomes lunch time alone with Mommy.

The first 2 days this magical plan worked were life changing. I could eat :-) I could speak to my husband if he were here. We could hold hands and assure each other that this was all going to be okay. Just having a few moments to BREATHE.. even if for a short time... to just have a cup of tea and stand in the kitchen to gear up for whatever will come my way for the rest of the day is amazing. There are moments when I have to call on God and repeat James 1:27 back to him... regarding being blessed for caring for orphans in their distress.. and how hard I'm trying to do that. I don't think of my children as "orphans" because they no longer are, however I do think that my sons have a special place in God's heart and sometimes I need reassurance and God's strength to do my job.

There is so much more to say, and will be said, but in this moment, the fact that I was able to eat a little food, and clean the bathroom, and redo my ponytail before attempting this means that I CAN do life, even only little pieces at a time. It's not that there is two of them, its that one of them has sssooooo much to grieve, and it's so hard to watch.

Mother's Day 2011

I enjoyed my first Mother's Day at home this year! Because my step Dad Randy was down in Honduras this year, I invited my Mom to come down so she could relax with us!

We had a great mother daughter date night at the Melting Pot down at the plaza



The next day we enjoyed time at church and I was able cook up a meal in the new kitchen and use our new kitchen table!











Next year, I get to celebrate with BOTH my kids, and I'm pretty excited about that.

Easter 2011

We kept Easter pretty low key this year here at home :-) We enjoyed a fantastic morning all spiffied up at church.









Then later on, we were invited to a family gathering with our friends the Wissels from church who took pity on us as we had like.. no plans.

Easter Egg hunt!

Lucas' 3rd Birthday

Well in all of the excitement and drama in the days following Lucas' Birthday, I forgot to put up all the pictures!!

So, we kept Lucas' Birthday lower key this year, because he had already had one party in Iowa while I was in Haiti, and will be having yet another one in May with the Sibley grandparents as well. Since his BDay fell on Good Friday, we celebrated on the 23rd with Pizza at Fun House Pizza in Lees Summit, and "shooting" of the "bad guys" at Chuck E Cheese afterward. It truly is his favorite activity and all he wanted to do!!











We drove, and then they shot things.





And then we were really sad when it was time to go...



We went home for some Birthday brownies and present opening as well

We Cleared Embassy!!!

So I awoke on Thursday morning with an e-mail beeping into my phone from the Embassy in Addis Ababa saying that our immigration investigation had cleared. I can't really express to you on a blog post how AMAZING that is. That is most amazing thing just behind taking custody of my son in a few weeks and stepping off the plane in Kansas City a little over a week after that.

This means that both Ethiopia and the United States are satisfied with all of the paperwork and we have been invited to travel. We plan to be leaving sometime in the week of May 22nd and will likely have our interview the week after. Holt has requested an appointment for us the week of the 30th, and we are just waiting for the confirmation so that we can formally book our plane tickets.

I am SO ready to get on the phone with Erle from Azumano travel in the near future.

Since we have a vague idea when we will be traveling, it occurred to us that we have to tidy up all those loose ends as our family of 3! HOW EXCITING to FINALLY have something to really be excited about.

A few little things on the list? I learned last night that even though Ben is almost 12 months old, he will still need bottles and formula as that is what he is used to... and apparently baby food as well?! I'm kind of excited about it actually :-) This afternoon I also ordered the Ergo carrier that I kept putting off because it was so depressing. It will be delivered on Tuesday :-)

I have a few projects that I want to have completely caught up again (I had them caught up back in January when I thought I would be traveling...)including this blog. If it isn't done by the time I get on that plane, I don't plan on it getting done, at least for a long time. Ted and I have also scheduled a few date nights/deal with stuff evenings next week without Lucas' "help".

We won't have our dates confirmed until likely Monday, so I'm just doing the mundane work this weekend. I want to have the last year of Ben's baby book completely updated so I won't be piecing it together later. I need to go through the boys closet and get it really organized...

and the fun part is, that for the 3RD TIME, I will be putting together Ben's clothes and making sure we have enough of everything. Granted, stuff is like 3 sizes larger than I had originally thought, but it's still FUN. I have to save that project til last though, and use it as motivation to get the less enjoyable stuff done. Like going through Lucas' toys and doing the ol' purge or random junk he accumulates.

I just might have to get the other high chair back out of the basement soon too, just for fun :-)

Updates to come.

The update of updates

WOW... I can't believe I haven't written on the family blog in almost 2 months. Well, I sort of can.

In some senses, LOTS AND LOTS of things have happened. In other senses, nothing has changed.

Here is a few biggies that have nothing at all to do with Ben.

1. Just a few days before my last post, we heard of a rental home in Lees Summit. We loved it. We threw away some money paying double rent for a few months, but we wanted it so badly and it was such a great place for our growing family. We moved into it on April 15th. Pictures to come as I'm still perfecting it in Erin fashion :-)

2. After not passing court in March, we received word that our case wouldn't be reheard by the courts until April 15th... almost 6 weeks later. 6 weeks of nothing. 6 weeks of no movement. So what did I do? I went back to Haiti.

3. I went to Haiti. More details regarding Haiti and the workings of my heart can be read on my person blog.

4. I started a personal blog. I haven't written much on it, but I THINK of things to write on it pretty much every afternoon. This afternoon I actually will I think, once we get done with this business.

5. The day before we moved, we found out by surprise that we had passed court EARLY!! I was so surprised/happy/moving that I never wrote it on the blog. Sorry Ben ;-( I promise to revisit the events of that day in the future, because I remember them really well. All the way down to the happy dance in the parking lot of church when the email from Holt popped into my phone.

6. A few weeks after that, Lucas turned 3. My first "baby" turned 3. He is a busy busy determined little person right now, but he is adorable. That will also be its own post soon.

So now that you have the basics of what has gone down around here, the point of the post!

WE WERE SUBMITTED TO EMBASSY ON MAY 3RD!!!

I know, so much has happened.. you may be saying.. "So why is that a big deal again? And, more importantly, WHEN are you finally getting that kid?!?!"

Well, lucky you I am in a fantastic mood and will explain all that.

In the months between when we were doing all of this before in January/February and now, the US Embassy has made some changes to their processes. In the long term, these are GOOD changes. Changes that will cut down and/or eliminate child trafficking with many more check points. Before, once you were "submitted" to embassy, it meant you flew for your visa interview about 2 weeks later. It was pretty much a done deal. NOW, you are submitted and the investigation starts. You don't fly until that investigation is complete. Sometimes the "investigation" is just a checking of facts to ensure that the child meets UNICEF's definition of "orphan" and that there are no discrepancies in forms, or sometimes it means they fine pick every single word anybody ever said about anything and re-interview half the country. Some families take weeks or even months to clear; some cases clear within days. We don't really have any way of knowing on what side of that fence we will land on. Our agency has really had to roll with the punches with each individual case and the whims of the embassy.

Because I was FLOORED when we were submitted to embassy within 3 weeks of court approval, my heart is in a great place for another potentially long wait. Some good news finally happened. Twice in a row in fact. We were finally ruled the legal parents of our son, AND there is movement towards his immigration. That makes me a happy lady. If I need to wait some weeks or more weeks to know that everything about his immigration clearance is perfect, so be it. I'd much rather know that his case was put through the ringer than to feel like anything was rushed just to please me. Some day, our children will have to think about such things as they come to terms with being taken away from their birth countries due to whatever the circumstances were of the birth parent(s) and also the economic poverty of their countries. It is my hope, that they will take some small comfort in knowing that two countries seriously put their heads together and agreed that nothing else could be done, than to allow the baby to leave the birth country.

Although I love my children more than my own life, I would not wish their loss on anyone. Adoption is as beautiful as it is heart breaking. Everyone gains and at the same time loses huge parts of ourselves in the process. My sons are too young to understand such realities right now. Right now, Lucas knows that I am Mama. I am the only Mama he has ever known and we don't have to think of such realities as "biological" or race or hereditary things. We can just be. At some time though, my sons will look in the mirror and really ask "who AM I??". I hope to be there to hold their hands as they piece that together. I hope that they can find some identity as sons of God, not just my sons, and not just born into a particular race.

I love my boys, but such things are heavy on my heart as they grow.

Besides some retroactive posts about Lucas' birthday, our new home, and more details about the adoption process as it has been, I HOPE that my new post will be regarding embassy clearance!!

The update I didn't want to write

Well.. as you can tell by the date of this post, March 10th... that it's been almost a month since my last update. Things have changed so much in my heart and in the Ethiopian program. I didn't want to write this post. I have been putting it off. Talking about things is hard.

First of all, before the giant rehashing of all the past few weeks has involved, I need to send a big encompassing "THANK YOU" out into the void to all of those that have written, texted, or hugged encouragement into me lately. You know who you are... Brenna, Courtney Norton, Cassie, Sarah Graber, Sarah Flanagan, Kristy DeGraw, Chrissy Jensen, Shonda, Martha, Lindsie, Michelle, Betsy Meehan, Rachel... and that's just the ladies of my adoption world and mostly from the Ethiopian program.

Then there are those that are closer to the inner workings of my heart as I process this: my poor husband, the worship team of Deerbrook, the Thursday morning girls,Erin P, Mike, and all my siblings. It has been such a tough road in the past few weeks.

So.. after all that... you probably want to know what happened.

After not being submitted shortly after the Feb 14th update I wrote, I contacted Holt wanting to know the status of my file because everyone around me was being processed and it seemed I wasn't and I just wanted to know why. Holt Oregon wanted to know why too. They contacted the Ethiopia Holt staff and asked "So... what's up with the Sibley file? We haven't heard anything on them". A response was received, but Holt Oregon wasn't sure how to take it. They did more research. I received a call at 1pm on February 22nd from the head of the Ethiopia program. She (lovingly with great compassion) informed me that we had never passed court on December 6th like we were told. The Ethiopian court had decided they wanted additional evidence from the police department where our son was found. Sometime in January/February this info was obtained and accepted by the court, but they were meeting on March 4th to review our case again and hopefully approve it.

Insert knife twisting in my chest here. I cried the biggest ugliest cry you could imagine. My poor husband had to leave me there to go to work. I cried some more. I folded laundry. I took my son for a long and cold walk. The days that followed were an up and down journey of getting over our new reality.

I called Global Orphan project and confirmed that I would be leaving for Haiti on March 23rd for sure. If you're saying "WHAT IN THE????" I'll get to all that later or in another post.

Fast forward to March 4th (last Friday). After prayer on all our behalf we were informed at 10:15am (15 min after Holt opens for business on west coast) that we had not passed court yet again, due to a missing letter from MOWA (Ministry of Women's Affairs- the gov entity in ET that oversees all adoptions). Now at the time, this did not scare me because this is a very normal problem that many people have. It usually means that they look at you again in 2 weeks and the letter is usually there and then you move on in the process of getting all your stuff together for the embassy (which is what we thought was going on in Jan and Feb). I got this news while on the treadmill... which is a great place for me to get bad news because I can sprint like a crazy woman until I'm calm again. I didn't even cry. You would have been proud.

I organized an emergency date night for Ted and I to make sense of this. Thank you RuthAnn Koltveit for helping with that!

Saturday night, I began to hear more and more grumblings and a big scary rumor from multiple sources that MoWA was going to begin cutting Ethiopian adoptions by 90% to crack down on any and all corruption in the system. Because MOWA is the people that kept us from passing court this last time, does it mean my next court date is now months away? Does it mean that initial adoption cases are being slowed down or all of us regardless if your file needs 10 pieces of paper or 1. I just don't know. It's scary. In light of all of the "what if"s that we are faced with... it's a real time of stretching and looking in my own heart.

So.. last summer.. while I was waiting for Ben's referral and the process made the switch from one to two trips and everyone was freaking out (which is now kinda ironic since that seems like a pretty minimal problem compared to what we are faced with now) and we didn't know what would happen. I remember praying often that this journey would not be about what I want but what God wants to teach me and the journey itself. Now that was an easy prayer to pray, given infant referrals were moving along and most people came home with a child 4-6 months later with no real bumps or problems. Getting our court date in December was a longer wait than some people but still somewhat close to what we were quoted. All quotes are out the window these days as the program seems to be spinning out of control. One constant of international adoption is that it is always changing and is not for the faint of heart, but MAN... it's hard. It's hard when everyone else (it seems) in your group is home with their kids, or will be soon, or has the balls to complain about how long they have waited publicly... when at the end of the day, all that you want is just the prayer to be in that part of the process with them. But you're not. And you don't know when you will be. Or, heaven forbid, you never will be given the news coming out of the country.

I'm not there yet. I do think Ben will come home. I just have no idea when.. if it will be in 2011.

I wish I could summarize all I have learned of God and his character in this blog post... but I can't. I suppose I'll have to site a cliche which I hate, that God only gives you what you can handle. Little bread crumbs at a time. I can think of the past instances in my life, where if I would have known what was ahead of me I would have run as fast as I could in the opposite direction to avoid the difficulty. I think of this specifically in terms of marrying Ted. If I would have known what life with him would sometimes look like, I would have said "I love you and all, but I want someone home every night at 5p that can give me little white babies that look half like me". AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY WRONG. Dead wrong. Because my little 21 year old brain couldn't handle it. If someone would have told me last summer that all that would transpire, I would have said "No thanks, I'm going straight to domestic adoption where I can get a newborn african american boy way way faster and not miss his first year of life or longer". And I would have been wrong. I would have missed out on all that I have learned. At the end of the day, whether Ben is 6 months old or 12 months old or 18 months old, he is still the path that God has me on until I hear otherwise.

So rather than seek the comfort and peace that God can choose to give me, I'm trying to choose to focus on aspects of Himself to be revealed to me. Some moments its hard. Sometimes I'm not strong enough to continue to love him unconditionally even though I know I should. Sometimes I'm just sad. Someday this will all be clear to me, or maybe it won't. The journey is what matters. Every little wonderful and sad piece of it.

So here is what I am asking you to pray for:

That I keep my eye on the prize that is NOT Ben.
That the Ethiopian government can give us a clearer idea of what is ahead from their perspective
That Ben will remain healthy
That I can continue to stay positive even when other people aren't positive about my circumstance.
That I get news of my next court date.
That our update to our homestudy and immigration will come back in time and without drama.
That I stay safe in Haiti.
That I remain open to what ELSE God has in store for me, outside of adoptions.
That I enjoy the everyday blessings that we have been getting a lot of around here lately.
That I don't get any more adoption news that turns out not to be true, whether that is someone's fault or not.


Thank you for all who have put up with my ramblings and emotions and all of that. I love you all. Very much.

Coffee time for me.